Tag Archives: sadness

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January 3, 2013

Last sunset sky of 2012

Last sunset of 2012

It feels so weird to type 2013!  I haven’t needed to write it before now either.  Crazy to think we’re in the new year already.  Last year really feels like it flew by, a blink of an sleep-deprived eye.

Our New Year’s was a bit of a mixed bag.  On the one hand it was great fun with friends, delicious food, fun games.  Good times.  On the other hand, it sucked, as Stu had to back out of our out of town plans and work.  At first, he was going to follow me and the girls up, but the necessary work took longer than he thought.  It was like before we got married, with him stuck over in the UK and me over here.  We got to text a little and I did call him at midnight, but still.  Not the New Year’s Eve we planned on.

Teagan got almost 1,000 points in her dance. #wii #justdance

Teagan got almost 1,000 points in her dance

I do have to say the girls were wonderful, and my friends helped a lot with one girl when I needed to be with the other.  They both slept pretty well, until around 5:45, which was awesome after a 2am bedtime for me!  Then the fun started.  One needed to go to the bathroom, the other didn’t want to go, but didn’t want to stay alone.   One wanted to play with a doll house, the other wanted to bang on the windows.  It was so hard to keep them quiet.  I do think we did wake some of the sleeping friends up. :(  We had a TV in the room, but finding something that both of them would like wasn’t easy.  Not at all.  We eventually settled on PBS and some weird kid show, instead of FOX News or TBS or something similar.  I guess the talking cats or tigers or bears or whatever seemed interesting enough for them.

Ashlin didn't like the song. Lol #wii #justdance

Ashlin didn’t like the song. LOL!

Once people started getting up, we went downstairs, and the girls were off!  Breakfast, milk, books, potty.  They were pretty well behaved though.  When the rest of the kids were up, the Wii got pulled out and the dance party began!  Both girls started dancing along, wanting to actually play, but at first were happy enough just dancing along with the big kids.  Eventually, Teagan was given a wi-mote and they put on that One Direction song.  It wasn’t an easy dance, with four dancers, but she knows the song, and that helps a bit.  She did pretty good, considering she didn’t know what she was doing.  Got almost a thousand points her first go!  She did NOT want to give up the remote.  After a bit it was Ashlin’s turn.  She just liked hitting the buttons and would exit the dance and go to the home screen.  LOL!

The drive home was pretty good too.  Teagan did not need to go to the bathroom, Ashlin didn’t throw up.  Bonus!  I found a kids music show – Elizabeth Mitchell doing Woodie Guthrie songs – on Sirius, and both girls were enthralled.  I’m going to need to find some more Woodie Guthrie songs.  Playing the Riding in my Car song to them this morning, they both started clapping along and rocking to the beat.  Ashlin even repeated “cahhh, caahhh” almost in the right places :)

Next year, New Year’s will be different.  Well, I won’t trust that Stu will be able to follow…  I really missed him.

PS.  DIY projects will follow, Christmas presents, treats, etc can all be shared with a much larger audience.  Though, last night, I started a blanket.  For me.  Well, for the living room…

Next #crochet #project - an #afghan for me! #crazy #brick #stitch with super soft #redheart #yarn

Crazy Stitch or Brick Stitch…

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December 27, 2012

#christmas #tree with #presents. Before

Just after Santa arrived

We had an awesome Christmas, with too many presents for babies, too much good food.  And snow.  We had a white Christmas.

Teagan and Ashlin each got to make treats for Santa, and Teagan dictated a note for him.  Ashlin did a great job making her treats, maybe better than Teagan, who just wanted to mix the ingredients all up.

We went out to celebrate LaLa’s birthday, and came back to change into Christmas pj’s, and head to bed, because of course, you need to be asleep or Santa wouldn’t come.  We were hard pressed to get all the presents under the tree, and not all the stocking stuffers fit in the stockings.  Some extra went into peppermint candy bags.

Teagan loved opening her presents, and as many other people’s presents as would let her.  I gave her some of Ashlin’s to open, reinforcing that she was helping her sister, as Ashlin ran out of steam way before her presents ran out.

After a nap, the girls went outside to play in the snow, and Ashlin loved it.  The first thing Teagan did was make a snow angel on the walkway.  I ran to get my phone, but by the time I got back, Ashlin had walked through it.

The girls had a big Christmas, hopefully one that Teagan will remember.  Hopefully one that will leave Ashlin with some warm fuzzy memories too.

#hat! Yay for #crackers

Goofy Christmas Princess

#rudolph's replacement

Rudolph’s Replacement

On our way home, accidents and traffic forced us to reroute and we drove through Sandy Hook.  It was heartbreaking.  So many memorials, so many tributes.  Luminaries.  Christmas trees.  Signs.  Stuffed animals and flowers.  Such a beautiful town to have such evil happen there.  We ended up going back onto the highway before the road was clear, it was so difficult to see all the tributes.  And then I snuggled my girls when we got home.  I’m so glad they still like to snuggle

snuggles on the sofa

Snuggles on the sofa

PS.  Teagan did get her copy of “The Princess and the Frog.”   Ashlin is doing much, much better, though still isn’t sleeping well.

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October 29, 2012

Sleepy kittyWaiting for sleep#smellycat stinky #kittyHere #kitty kitty kitty #cat #eyesLick lick lick #animal #marchphotoadaysunshine
i need a new joba living footstoolpunctuationIMG_0902happiness is a sleeping babybabies
don't like sharingHum... what does it smell like?You can't see meMy what big eyesClioClio's wisker
Picture 003Picture 115Deep thoughtsCat eyehum...Talk to the foot

Clio, a set on Flickr.

It was a dark and stormy night… No wait, it is, but this not that kind of post. This post is about my cat, Clio. Who passed away Saturday night, at the ripe old age of 18.

I knew she was getting older, she was having trouble hearing, jumping onto the bed, the counter. She didn’t want to play as much as she used to, but she’d still let her inner kitty out every now and then. Mostly, she just wanted to nap in a sunbeam, or on a pillow, maybe nestled in the crook of your arm. A lap cat of the snuggliest level.

I hadn’t wanted to take her in on Friday, hadn’t wanted to really accept that she was as close to the end as that. Hadn’t wanted to deal with that on the start of girls’ weekend. As I gently moved her from the sofa to the futon in the office, I told Stu that I would take her in on Monday. Today.

She passed Saturday night. Peacefully. Stu said that she hadn’t done well during the day. She fell asleep while eating, and he carried her to the office to let her finish her nap on the futon. Later, he put a towel on the bed and let her sleep there, in my spot while I was away. Around 1am, he told me, she started running in her sleep. He put a hand on her, to try to calm her down, and she let out a deep sigh. After that, he kept petting her and she looked at him, slowly loosing focus. And then she was gone.

I was hoping it wouldn’t happen while I was gone, but I’m sort of glad it did. That I didn’t need to take her to a vet, have them tell me that there was nothing to do.

The girls know, understand as much as they can. Teagan asked if we could now have a dog.

The house is a bit too quiet now.

Via Flickr:
Flickr pictures of Clio…

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September 5, 2012

20120905-194826.jpgI had been feeling a bit sad hearing about how so many were sending off their kids to preschool for the first time, or to kindergarten.  I had looked around back in the spring and early summer for a local preschool, but hadn’t really found anything.  And day care does a pretty nice job at working academics and stuff.  But still, I felt we were doing Teagan a disservice.  And she really wants to ride on a school bus.

A few weeks ago, I found out that one elementary school in the district – not ours – does a pre-k.  I called and left a message for the administrator to call me back if there was an opening.  I got a call yesterday.  She said there will most likely be an opening, in the afternoon, starting next week.  We could fill in the forms and have Teagan evaluated and she could probably start going almost right away.

I got excited, thinking that Teagan would have a pre-school experience, and finally get to ride on a bus.  We asked to talk to the director of day care, to find out if we could swing it.  Also hoping for a financial break as Teagan would not be in the day care full time.  Well, it turns out that they don’t bus or transport children younger than school age.  Also, Teagan’s tuition would only drop if she was there four hours or less.  Any more than that, she’d be considered full time, and I don’t think the pre-k would have her out of the day care long enough for her day there to be four hours.  Two strikes.  We can’t afford to send her to pre-k on top of a full time day care tuition.

The administrator at the school called me today to confirm the address for the forms, so I took the opportunity to ask about transportation.  They don’t offer transport to the pre-k kids, unless they were special needs.  Although Teagan is special, she’s not special needs.  There’s no way we can get her to and from the pre-k every day.  We probably could manage a few days a week, but nothing on a regular basis.

I haven’t called the administrator back to let her know that we can’t take the theoretical spot.  I worry that she’ll be missing out.  That there’ll be something vital that she can only get at an official pre-k, something we can’t give her, or that the day care can’t.  I worry that she’ll remember we didn’t care enough to give her every advantage.  I worry that it will make Kindergarten too difficult, to large of a transition, to scary.

Then, I remember that this little girl went on the roller coaster with me.  Just once.  But she did it.  I’m sure she’ll get over the scary.  I just have to hope she’ll get over the rest too.

Hopefully, she’ll still be able to be a doctor, like she told Stu.  She wants to fix boo boo’s.

 

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July 5, 2012

20120705-210938.jpgSometimes life is just down-right mean.  Not simply unfair, but more than that.  Mean.  Of course, there’s nothing to do.  As much as you want, hope, there’s nothing you can do to change it, to make it better, make the pain of it fade away. It makes you feel so powerless, so small and frail.  Alone.

My friend, my friend’s husband, is not doing well.  He’s in pain.  My friend is hurting.  I just want to help, somehow.  But there really is nothing I can do to help.  Nothing anyone can do.  It’s going so fast, too fast.  A car with no brakes going down a mountain.  A mountain that you really wanted to only be a slight hill. Anything that would make the journey be easier and slower.  To be able to have more time.  We all really want to have more time.  Time with those we love, doing things we love, being loved.

Sometimes all you can do it hold on to who you love, and love them.  And hope you get to find brakes, or you get the long, slow hill.

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June 12, 2012 ~ End Of An Era

Bottles and stuff

Today I took the last (well all but one!) of Ashlin’s bottles out of the kitchen.  I’ll pack them up for sale or donation soon.  Or even re-purposing - this site had an awesome idea to store spices in the small ones.

It’s a bit of counter real estate that’s been reclaimed.  The nipple and ring dishwasher tool, the strainer I would dry the bottles in neck down.  We didn’t get one of the fancy bottle trees, the strainer worked just fine.  There’s a little less clutter and chaos in the kitchen now.

It’s a big milestone.  The baby doesn’t need bottles any more.  Well, except when she wakes up in the middle of the night and will be satiated with a bottle of water.  But except for that one little bit of baby, she’s growing up.

It’s melancholy, but so full of promise and excitement, at the same.

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May 23, 2012

Cry baby

Ashlin’s not been nursing these past days.  As I posted earlier, I’m pretty sure she’s done.  I had wanted to keep trying, just a little bit longer, just to be sure she wasn’t on a nursing strike.  But I’m not going to be able to wait and see if that’s all this past few days, past week, has been.  I not going to be able to nurse her any longer.  Turns out that I have a cyst or two, and because of them, will need to take some antibiotics that are not approved for nursing.  I also got a lovely, and large, shot of steroids, that will help keep me from sleeping through the nights.  She doesn’t need to get any of that, even in the minute quantities that would pass through milk.  I’ll be on the antibiotics for a while, so, we have to be done.

Maybe it’s the world telling me to take a hint.

Ok.  I get the hint.  My baby’s a toddler and doesn’t need me the same way she used to.  She still needs me, will still need me.

Double pony tail! Not quite as good as a double rainbow, but pretty close!

She’ll be just fine.

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May 21, 2012

So, I think Ashlin’s just about done nursing.  It’s sad.  I’m not quite ready for her to be done.  Nursing her has always been a challenge, one that I wasn’t sure I wanted, but now, at the end, one I’m glad I did.

She had weight issues, which made me question my supply, whether she was getting enough.  She never got “milk drunk,” and always  seemed to be just a little fussy.   I didn’t start pumping really, until I went back to work, and by then, well, pumping just didn’t go quite as well as it had with Teagan.  Then, I was able to pump a bit more than needed, and over time, built up a lovely stash.  One that allowed me to stop pumping at 14 months but still have her go to day care with breast milk for another month and a half.

This time, I did little better than keep up.  Lot of that was due to sheer exhaustion.  When I slept better, I produced more.  She nursed better.  Happier.  The sleep, well, that was her fault.  She didn’t sleep, so I didn’t sleep.   I was very glad to stop pumping at about a year, though I will question that decision.  It was such a relief to not pump though.

Now, it’s been a few days since she’s latched on for more than a minute or two, and there just doesn’t seem to be time to keep offering, to keep not giving up.  Life is so busy with a new toddler and a preschooler.  It may be easier to not continue trying to encourage her.  I have always said I would nurse the girls as long as they wanted.  Teagan, I encouraged her to wean a little bit, but still nursed her until she was 16 and a half months.  I was pregnant with Ashlin, it hurt and made me sick.

Ashlin’s almost 14 months now.  Still, a respectable length to have nursed her.  I guess I should let her decide, though I will probably keep offering another week, just to be sure.

She’s growing so fast.

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February 13, 2012

bbbbbbettahhhhh

She’s doing so much better today.  My brave girl.  The IV did help.

Her morning diaper was soaked.  Drenched.  A total flood like we haven’t seen in days.  Yay!  She nursed well, was in a good mood, a better mood than she’s been in lately.  So nice to see her back.  We hadn’t realized how reduced, how diminished she was.  She usually shines brighter than she has been.

Instructions from the ER docs on discharge were to make sure she drinks 30ml ever hour she’s awake.  If she has any diarrhea, then to add an additional 20ml.

Most of the day was spent trying to get fluid into her and waiting for a wet diaper.  Waiting for the Tinkle Fairy, as someone said.  We only got two slightly damp diapers.  Not too bad, after the morning heavy.  We also got two poopsplosions.   Great.  More fluid to try to get back into her.

Force-feeding her pedialyte through a syringe is not fun.  She won’t take it any other way, unless she’s thirsty and sleeping.  You have to hold her arms down and put the syringe in, forcing her to swallow.  Most will go in, some escapes.  She fights, she cries.  I hate making her cry.

At least now, when she cries, she can make tears.  Watching her cry, and not having any tears just tore my heart in two.

Stu and I were only able to get about 100ml into her.  We should have given her about 200ml.  Now, since she did nurse, and nursed several times today, that reduces the total amount needed.  But we still didn’t get enough into her.  She’ll be in day care tomorrow, and they’ll need to try to get her to drink, too.  She’ll get four 90ml bottles of breast milk, so that should make up the bulk of what she’ll need.

Hopefully, it will all go well.  I’m a little anxious about it.

Oh.  And she’ll say “mama” now, and mean me.  She doesn’t just say it when she’s crying and wants me.  Pretty cool.

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February 11, 2012

20120211-234849.jpg

Poor baby, swaddled up at the hospital. Sleeping for a little bit before she was poked and prodded. Again.

We were sent by the on-call doctor because she got very very dehydrated. And puked a lot.  And was listless.

She was crying and didn’t have enough moisture to make tears. Heartbreaking.

We tried to make her drink. But she still got dehydrated.

We were admitted, they debated on if she had fifths disease too, or if that was the cause. I was yelling inside, that it wasn’t fifths.

Ashlin ended up perking up and tried to make friends with kids in the waiting room and in the hallway.

As we were released, to continue what we’ve been doing, the discharge nurse told me that Ashlin was the most adorable kid that was in the ER tonight. I’m sure she says that to everyone.

We’re home. She’s sleeping. We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

Sigh.

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